Once More Into the Urple Depths of OFUM
By Camilla Sandman
Summary: New movie, new students, new lust objects, new mini-Balrogs and a whole new curriculum. That’s right, children. OFUM is back. But wait… It’s no longer the only University in town. MUSM? What the…?
Disclaimer: Tolkien is God of Middle-earth. His creation, his work, his characters. His world. I’ve merely rewritten and added some characters and creations of my own. You better stay away from those, though. They bite.
No disrespect intended, no money made, no fatal injuries incurred. Just a bit of fun and pain. Wheeeee!
It was night in Middle-earth. The sky was dark, stars shining black (don't ask. Really, don't) and the moon pale and grieved. In fact, the whole scenery seemed strangely silent. The trees hung their heads, the owls hooted sadly, the mini-Balrogs were comfort-eating bacon and even the Nuzguls had taken a break from breeding to mourn.
Horror upon horror. Word had reached Middle-earth that on the human world movie two of the Lord of the Rings neared release. And they all knew what that meant.
“I'm sure it won't be too bad,” Lina Holling (former student at OFUM with the scars to prove it) said in a comforting voice to Saruman, who was looking into his beer gloomily.
“They will make me a babbling idiot of a villain,” Saruman complained. “They'll make me kidnap the hobbits just so that some fabulous Elven maid can rescue them and break my staff…”
“You did kidnap us,” Pippin objected, nursing his own pint of beer. “All the suffering they will inflict upon me and Merry merely to comfort us…”
“Hoom!” Treebeard hoom'ed. His clear eyes were worried too, though. Who knew what horridness the Ents would suffer now that they would finally appear on the big screen?
The characters of LotR had gathered in the staff hall of The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth for an emergency meeting.
It was time to take in new students.
Gimli shot Lina a glance as he patted Legolas on the back. The Elf was the hardest hit of them all, the mix of 'sensitive' looks, kick-ass warrior ability and soft treading being the doom of him. No relief for Legolas from movie two.
Boromir, on the other hand, looked distinctly cheered up. Having died had some advantages. Including always having something to bitch about and the bonus of being forgotten by those with short memories. Which luckily tended to be most fangirls.
“Out of sight, out of mind,” he declared happily.
“Had I known, I would have let the Uruk-hai kill me also,” Aragorn said bitterly. “Instead I must suffer the indignity of suddenly forgetting Arwen and desiring anything on two legs.”
“As if I would not kill you if you had done such a thing,” Elrond replied.
“No, I would have,” Arwen added with just a hint of steel in her voice, then noticed Aragorn's look. “You would no longer be yourself. I would be doing you a favour.”
“Even in death they can still mess with you,” Denethor said with a sigh, tossing another log into the fireplace.
“And still with utter absence from the movie,” Thranduil replied. The two had bonded over both being father of Important Characters, and both all too often being portrayed as… less-than-nice. Movie two was sure to only worsen Denethor's case.
“At least not being in it you have no lusters,” Éomer muttered, twitching slightly. He was still recovering from his ordeal last year, when he had been working as a researcher and delving into the depths of fanfic.
Stare too long into the depths of fanfic, and the depths of fanfic stare back…
“Good evening all,” Gandalf (now the White) called as he entered, interrupting the round of complaints. “I am glad you are all here. I made some light snack and I see you have already discovered the beer. Right… You all know why you are here?”
There was a row of downcast eyes and weak nods.
“Movie two is coming,” Legolas said, and ominous music immediately filled the air. “A shadow and a threat is growing in my mind. It draws near. I can feel it.”
Gimli patted his friend sympathetically on the back once more, stroking his beard thoughtfully. Who knew what fate awaited him as a friend of Legolas?
“Yes,” Miss Cam said, rising from her seat to join Gandalf at the end of the table. “Movie two is coming.”
“We will now have a moment's silence to mourn the impending death of sensible characterisation,” Elrond declared, and everyone bowed their heads.
“We're doomed,” Frodo said miserably as the silence ended. He stared down at the Ring, (ignoring Sauron's longing look) which for once was actually shutting up. Maybe that too feared movie two. After all, it too suffered. Many a fic had sought to castrate it by having the main character unaffected by the Ring's evil.
No one was unaffected by the Ring's evil. It was Evil!
Miss Cam gave Frodo a comforting smile, the cleared her throat. “Ladies, gentlemen, mini-Balrogs, Ents and what-not. Morgoth, Sauron and I have devised a plan to deal with this new situation… Dark Lords?”
Sauron and Morgoth rose at the same time, shooting each other an annoyed glance.
“Construction on the new University has already begun…” Sauron started, his chest so far out it was almost in danger of detaching itself.
“Following MY design,” Morgoth shot in.
“Only because you bribed the construction manager!”
“Only because I am smarter!”
“Why then is it called Middle-earth University of SAURON and Morgoth then?”
“The last name is more important!”
“As you can hear,” Miss Cam interrupted, “there will be a new University in addition to OFUM run by our dear Dark Lords here.”
“Are we sure that is a good idea?” Glorfindel asked (he was leader of S.I.C.T.N.I.T.M – Still Important Characters Though Not In The Movie), looking slightly less gloomy than the others. Not being in the movie had some advantages.
“Worry not,” Elrond replied. “It has all been worked out. They will offer… alternative classes.”
“Easier classes,” Miss Cam added.
“Easier?” Éowyn lifted her head from its position against Faramir's neck, looking grim and ready to pounce. “Movie two will bring fangirls trying to steal MY man and you want to offer them the chance to have easier classes?”
Elrond and Miss Cam begun to smile simultaneously, exchanging amused glances.
“It's very simple….”
Outside, rain began to fall on the Uruk-hai working on the great tower that would become MUSM. It was black and spiked, as was to be expected when Dark Lords are let near the drawings.
Then laughter rose from the staff section of OFUM. Evil laughter. And because evil laughter is to Uruk-hai what yawning is to humans, soon it was all you could hear.
Welcome to year two, students. Muhahahaha…
Chapter One: Legolas’s Princess and the Rohangurl
It was dark in Jessica Fint's bedroom, though it was high noon outside. It was weekend, and thus there was absolutely no reason whatsoever to rise from the bed. She wasn't even sure she could without a new body.
Hangover. The doom of mornings. The brain was holding a protest rally, loudly shouting 'No more alcohol! Less working hours! No more alcohol! Less working hours!'
“Hey, Jess?” came a bright voice from beyond the door, and Jess groaned. Her obnoxious older sister Kat was of course up bright and early. They lived in the same dormitory because Jess had been to drunk too protest when the idea had been raised. Story of her life.
Thankfully, her sister seemed to have taken the hint and went away, stomping through the hallway as loudly as possible (or so Jess imagined, for the sound thundered through her brain).
Man, it had been a weird night. She had a vague idea of having talked to some Tolkien-geeks called One, Two and Three about fanfics and – ugh, University? Whatever. They'd been weird and not very cute. Not like Legolas.
Mmm, Legolas. Pointy ears. Sleek pointy ears and very big bow.
If only Middle-earth had been real and she could have instantly seduced Legolas by song. Or harp-play. She didn't know how to play, but how hard could it be to pluck on a few strings?
Of course, her sister took all the fun out of such speculation by insisting it was very hard, and that it took more to seduce an Elf anyway. Like she would know. Jess hadn't yet seen a pointy-eared dude trying to sneak out of her sister's bedroom, so obviously Kat knew nothing about Elf-seduction.
Love for Lord of the Rings was about the only thing Jess and Kat had in common. Of course, Kat had read the actual books. Once. Which was a waste of energy. Jess preferred to wait for the movies. After all, only good books got movies, so it was a sure way to stay away from the bad books.
There was a distant squeal of horror. Jess groaned. Damn, Kat must have found out she had borrowed the pink and purple top with 'Middle-earth hottie' in sparkling aqua glitter.
“Did you use my computer to put up some ludicrous fanfic on the Net last night?”
Jess blinked. Oh yeah. The weird guys had dared her, then laughed diabolically as she scrambled down a story about Galadriel's daughter Pupula Turquoiseleaf (purple and turquoise were very nice colours, and Elves liked nice colours) and posted it. She had no idea why they'd been laughing. It was a very good story – if only she could remember exactly what she had written… Something about a magic necklace and lots of hot lovemaking involving tigers?
“You misspelled Gandalf's name.”
“You have a visitor.”
Groaning, Jess rolled out of bed (her clothes scattered about on the floor gave her a soft landing) and crawled to the door. Grabbing the doorknob, she hauled herself upright and opened the door.
At first she saw only Kat, her sister looking like she'd seen the President in a Santa Claus costume dancing the Macarena. Then, as Jess lowered her gaze, she found herself waist to face with a… Thing.
The thing had horns and wings and looked like it had rolled in lava or something. It also looked pissed. Very pissed.
With a hiss, it handed Jess a paper, then proceeded to give one to Kat with a slightly lower hiss.
“That's Gondalf, the mini-Balrog you created last night,” a voice boomed (actually, the voice had a fairly normal level of sound, but her mind insisted it was booming), and she turned dumbfounded to stare at one of the men from the night before. He looked smug.
“Be nice to your mommy, Gondalf,” the man added when the thing hissed again.
“I… um… what? Mommy?” Jess muttered. She would surely have remembered sleeping with that thing's father, wouldn't she? The disco lighting wasn't that poor.
Wouldn't she have remembered the birth too? Or had she utterly lost her mind in that last bottle of tequila?
“When you posted a fanfic under the penname Legolas's Princess,” the man offered helpfully. “So now you are going to Middle-earth to enrol at University, and so are you, Rohangurl. Congratulations!”
“What?” Jess said again, trying to clear the daze from her mind.
“Oh, don't worry. Just fill out the forms, it'll be made clear to you soon enough. Tata!”
And with that the man and the thing simply vanished, leaving the two sisters to stare at each other.
“Legolas's Princess?” Kat asked. “LP? You realise how dumb that sounds?”
“Shut up. And why did the obvious figment of our collective imaginations say we were both going, *Rohangurl*?”
Kat looked down. “I like Faramir,” she said in a thin voice. “I may have written a story about him and Éowyn's sister, Éowyalae, having hot love like panthers…”
“Brother of Boromir.”
“Oh yeah, the evil dude.”
“He was not…” Kat begun, then shook her head. “Will you just read the books once?”
“Like you have?”
“It's a very big book.”
Jess rolled her eyes, then ventured back into her room and fell onto her bed. For a moment her mind went blissfully blank and back to a state of non-consciousness. The way Sundays should be.
Then she felt a sharp sting in her thumb and bolted upwards, nearly dropping the paper the thing had given her.
She stared suspiciously at the paper.
“Did you just prick me with your edges?”
The paper looked blankly at her.
“Fine…” she grumbled and reached for a pen, hurriedly filling it out. Hmm, Legolas's Princess, elf (she resisted the urge to add 'part Unicorn' only because then she would have to eat horse food, and yuck, grass), female… Blah, blah.
Hmmm. OFUM or MUSM? What the heck were those? Eh, who cared. She put MUSM and dropped the paper to sink back onto the bed, hardly noticing that the paper vanished.
“I have to stop drinking,” she muttered hazily. Hangovers were getting weirder and weirder and quite fuzzy. Like bunnies. Fuzzy bunnies. Fuzzy guys. Fuzzy Legolas. Mmm, fuzzy.
Pretty soon the memory was fuzzy too.
Of course, some fluffy things are very, very dangerous (as all OFUM students would know). Beware the fluffy things.